Back in the days of Reaganomics, console televisions and acid-washed jeans, a young comic by the name of Eddie Murphy entertained crowds with his hilarious bit about “Uncle Gus” taking over the family’s summer cookout. Many of our younger readers may know Eddie Murphy as the loveable star of such family-friendly, mostly unfunny films like The Nutty Professor and Doctor Doolittle, or as the voice of the plucky sidekick “Donkey” in the Shrek trilogy. But back in those early years, Eddie Murphy was a potty-mouthed smart aleck who dropped more f-bombs than a “Big Lebowski/Pulp Fiction” double feature in an unfortunately-named Austrian town catered by a wonderfully-named Vietnamese restaurant in Del Ray. In Murphy’s star-making concert film “Delirious,” Eddie’s Uncle Gus knows how to start a fire, not with lighter fluid, but with gasoline. He instructs his young nephew to go chop down that tree in lieu of charcoal. Stand back. Mushroom cloud. Roll around in the dirt, Eddie, those flames will go out. Uncle Gus then gets chewed out by Eddie’s dad for giving the poor kid 30-degree burns after making a fire large enough to cook brontosaurus burgers. Shortly thereafter, Aunt Bunny fell down the steps, and Uncle Gus’s grill mistakes are forgotten.
Most of us are not blessed with a huge backyard to host cookouts in the summer or nephews to cut down trees, and few get the practice needed to get reliable results from the grill. So, much like Jim in American Pie, you’ve only got once chance with the hot foreign exchange student. Don’t blow it. Here are some tips to work a solid grill, using song titles to help you out.
1) “This Fire” – Franz Ferdinand – A charcoal grill can be harder to use than an auctioneer with a hair lip. Step one: Don’t be Uncle Gus. Gas is for cars, not cows. When using charcoal, read the specific instructions for the brand you purchased. Burn-in-bags don’t need additional starter fluid, and your food will taste like you grilled on the Exxon Valdez if you add some. Most charcoal briquettes need 15 to 30 minutes of soaking in fluid, though some require a little more. Arranging the coals in a small pyramid not only salutes our Mayan and Egyptian ancestors, but allows for the briquettes to get hot enough to ensure a long-lasting fire. Once the coals have been burning for 15 to 20 minutes, you can rearrange the coals with long metal tongs to make a flatter heating surface.
And for the love of Pete, use a long-stem match or wick to light the fire. Countless 3rd-degree burns are caused every year by somebody trying to start a grill using a Zippo and bad reflexes.
2) “Cooking with Gas” – Nation of Ulysses – You don’t need to be post-punk or Hank Hill to understand the benefits of propane and propane accessories. Most gas grills have automatic lighters, and you can adjust the temperature with a handy dial. However, many people don’t pay attention to tank maintenance and the condition of the hose. Those should be adjusted before starting a cookout, or else your place could burn down faster than the Alpha Beta house at Adams College.
3) “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes”- Various Artists – Like anybody who’s been to a Jimmy Buffett concert, there’s all sorts of smoke, and that smoke can change your mood. You can use smoke to change the flavors of your food. Adding some water-soaked mesquite chips to your charcoal can give your food a hearty southwestern flavor, and some hickory chips can give you a taste straight from the hills of Tennessee. If you’re fortunate enough to have access to a smoker (the cooking equipment, not some dude with Marlboros), you can make some traditional barbecue by using the indirect heat to slow-cook anything into a delicious state of tenderness and flavor.
4) “Struttin’ With Some Barbecue” – Louis Armstrong – Satchmo looked a man who enjoyed his barbecue. Your guests will enjoy yours if keep a check on that temperature. A fire that’s too hot will burn the outside of your food while the inside’s raw. If you don’t have a thermometer, try this technique: hold your hand about six inches over the fire. If you can hold it there for 3 to 4 seconds, you and your fire should be fine. That’s about 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Any less than 3 seconds indicates the flame is too hot, so you can just let it burn itself down a bit, or spray some water mist on the coals. Any more than 4 seconds means the flame is too cool, and your food will take a long time to cook.
Just like regular indoor cooking, the less you touch the food, the more flavor it retains. Steaks, burgers, ribs, chops – those should be flipped once or twice tops. Chicken, turkey, game – those can only be flipped once or twice, but I prefer to err on the side of caution with them. Potatoes, corn, eggplant, squash, pineapple – all taste great on the grill, and can give a simple, yet unique touch to your cookout. A brick oven isn’t much different than a grill. Both can be used to make fantastic pizzas.
Also, don’t use any chemically-treated wood, like firestarter logs or plywood for a cookout. Some of that is treated with arsenic, handy for killing bugs and French generals. Stick with bags of hickory, mesquite or applewood from your local grocery, hardware or barbecue store. Do not use leftover wood from your new deck. Also, don’t use your old deck, either.
5) “Hot Sauce” – Thomas Dolby – Those roadside barbecue shacks sell ribs, brisket and pulled meats, and never filets, sirloins or prime ribs. Many of them sell bottles of their sauce and spices. That’s because the best barbecue is generally made from the cheapest meats, and a fair amount of seasoning and sauce helps bring out the flavor. I prefer to get sauces and spice rubs that are affiliated with restaurants – Rockland’s sauce is much better than any store brand, and most stores in the area carry some products from Stubb’s in Austin, Texas; Sticky Fingers from Memphis, Tennessee, or even Gates in Kansas City, Missouri. A good rub and sauce combo from one of these places is a guaranteed home run.
Hope this helps you tap your inner Raichlen.

As if I don’t talk your e-ears off about this already: Gourmet Girls is my collective dinner party group. Every month, we gather in one of our kitchens and cook a complicated, multi-course meal together, learning how to prepare each dish in between sips (and sometimes glugs) of wine. (That was us in the Washington
Post a few weeks ago.) If this sounds like fun to you, and you’re interested in being a part of a Gourmet Girls group in DC, come to Happy Hour at Ceiba (701 14th Street NW) from 6-8 on Tuesday, June 12th. (Look in the bar, hee. )

Schnozbot is a list of DC Area happy hour specials. It can be searched by area or day of the week. It includes food specials like free paella at La Tasca on Fridays, and the wing nights at Rockbottom on Mondays and Hard Times Cafe on Wednesdays. Some wings would smell good about now! 🙂